I swear it was a dream.

Yesterday, I lived through one of the most surreal days I’ve ever experienced. I spent a total of eight hours in two emergency rooms and an urgent care center for my suite mate Alex. I went to an awesome worship service and cried out to God. There was good news, great news, bad news and worse news. I have gone through probably every human emotion in the last 36 hours. Including hiccups.

It felt completely unreal. I looked over at her, one of the strongest girls I know, and her pale face was only passed in sadness by her shivering under the insufficient blankets they gave her. I can’t even imagine the pain she was suffering through. The surly nurses disregarded us, the ones who brought her to the ER, at every turn. After all, we’re just dumb girls. What do we know? It ended up being something that will go away but is extremely painful in the meantime. But that didn’t make it any less emotional.

God used all of the events of yesterday to teach us some very important lessons, but I still wonder… Why in God’s name did any of that happen? Alex’s roommate had been fasting all week for her. She didn’t know this was why. We thought it was because of late night worship. We thought God was going to do something big for her. She couldn’t even go because she didn’t feel good enough. And we had to leave early to take her back to the hospital.

Does everything happen for a reason? Even as I type, I’m answering my own question. Of couse it does. But why Alex? Why now? Why did it take us so long to get a simple treatment? She could have been spared so much pain. It doesn’t make any sense.

Honestly, this is a recurring theme in my life. It doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense that I’m stuck here for two more years. It doesn’t make sense that I’m still struggling with the same issues that I have been for years. It doesn’t make sense that my promises are still so far in the distance.

I know God is faithful, and I know He is good. I just wish sometimes that I could have one tiny glimpse into eternity so I could understand my right now. I know, I know… I still have a lot to learn and I’m not ready for my promise. But will I ever be? And how can I know if I’m hearing the right promise?

I write exhausted, drained, confused, apprehensive, and weary. I want to sleep. I want to breathe. I know that this is just a season. And most days I don’t feel this way. It’s just been too crazy not to feel everything.

Tomorrow is a brighter day.

That is all.


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