Stuck in Grand Junction again.

I’m stuck at an airport right now. A podunk little airport in Grand Junction Colorado. So, I’m going to take this time and devote this post to some of the great items I discovered in the Sky Mall magazine. Here goes.

Instant facelift. Have trouble with wrinkles? Look like Witch Hazel? Do children mistake you for a basset hound? Then you need this product. Just look at these, really real, totally not made up results! Apparently you place strips of tape on the affected areas, and presto-change-o, you are 100 years younger. It’s pretty much magical. Never mind the thousands of dollars other people spend. They must have never seen a Sky Mall magazine. You lucky dog.

Have you ever wanted to be a rockstar? I know I have. Now you can with these cotton footed pajamas! You don’t even have to actually play music or know anything about music! The tribal armband-esque designs on these jammies will be a sure hit with the record companies. And the ladies. P.S. these beauties come in Black Sabbath, Rocker Red and White Snake. (I made those up.)

This guy. This little statue can be put in back yards everywhere and scare the bejeezus out of your little neighbors. Looking for a good (if not a little twisted) laugh? Just put this creep in your flower bed and watch the hearts stop. Seriously though, I hope you know CPR. They may have a heart attack.

Be a wizard! No seriously! This wizard’s wand can not only bring you fame among Pot-heads (Harry Potter fans), but you can also change the channel with it! This fashionable accessory is a universal remote with which you can “rule the room and the couch kingdom”! Oh man, do I ever want to be able to control my home entertainment system with a “flick of the wrist and spin of your magical wand”. Yessss.

Be a total skeeze with this revolutionary product that will make you more disgusting and more creepy in one move. A tissue box hidden camera! Put it in the board room! the living room! Even the bedroom! It’s a fast track straight to America’s Most Wanted!! Don’t ever want another lady friend? Then be sure to get one of these for every room. Also you might want to invest in the home security system so you can watch all the cameras at once. Then, Chris Hansen from NBC’s How To Catch a Predator will come visit. I hear he’s a great house guest.

Well, that’s all I really care to talk about. These products are equal amounts pointless, stupid, and terrifying. I’m gonna go back to listening to the ticket agent trying to tell the non-English speaking old people that they are not in Salt Lake City.

That is all.

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