I’m in an interesting position in life. Well, interesting might be an understatement. You see, my husband’s job ends at the end of May, which we knew, and it wouldn’t be a problem, since my job is stable, right? Wrong. I received a notice back in March that the district won’t be renewing my contract. It’s a seniority issue – the district needs to make some cutbacks and the teachers are the first ones to go. So while it’s entirely possible and maybe even probable that they’ll rehire me, as of now, my job ends at the end of May too. So both my husband and I are in the job market. We are looking to move apartments for a myriad of reasons, and everything is a little… up in the air.
All of these things can be dealt with. Kai and I are strong, and I know that God will take care of us. On top of this, I was feeling that I was personally in for a life transition. The last post I made, about teens and internet safety, practically went viral. I had 350,000 views in just three weeks, and the article was posted on other websites that had just as many views. I felt that maybe I needed to do something. Perhaps I needed to sit down and finally write that book I’ve been thinking about, or maybe I need to go back to school and change career directions or something. All I knew is that I felt like life was on the move.
I was excited. I was going to gain some new purpose. Since I’m still young, I’m still figuring myself out and I thought maybe this life change will be something I could really hang my hat on. Something great and self-fulfilling.
Well, you know how they say God works in mysterious ways? I found out what my big transition is going to be. I found out in the form of (surprise!) 4 positive pregnancy tests. And as I looked around my apartment at my withering succulent plant and my barely life-sustaining beta fish, I became acutely aware of how unprepared I am for motherhood. Of course, I think I’ll be a pretty decent mom – someday. But now? I can’t even rent a car yet! I still want to be selfish. I still want my extra money to go to things like video games and vacations, not diapers and baby formula. for the first couple of weeks I had a very difficult time adjusting to the idea. I went to the doctor and even saw the nugget on an ultrasound. Yup. That’s a baby. But I was in denial.
All I could think of was how my life was never going to be the same, and how not ready for that I was. Oh sure – I changed my diet, I started taking prenatal vitamins, I did all the right things, but it all felt very hollow. I was not in love with this intruder in my stomach giving me heartburn and making me want to sleep for 12 hours every night.
But the Lord was doing something in my heart. When I stopped feeling sorry for myself for even just a minute, He reminded me of another time that I was less than grateful. A a kid when my family stayed in a hotel, I used to get super mad because my dad is a big snorer. He could wake the dead if he slept close enough to a graveyard. One vacation in particular I was griping to my mom about how I couldn’t sleep and I was amazed that she could put up with all that noise. Her response was at once so simple and so profound that it stuck with me. She told me that when she starts to get frustrated at the jackhammer volume of snoring coming from my father, that she would start thanking God that she even had a husband and that her husband was healthy and loving and involved. She started being grateful and stopped being annoyed.
So that’s what I did with my little one. I’m not saying it was an instant transition, but when I stopped complaining to God about how I wasn’t ready, and started thanking God for the gift of life in my womb, my outlook changed drastically. It’s crazy how a little thankfulness can turn your outlook around. I no longer resent my little passenger but I thank God that he’s given me a healthy body and a healthy child. He trusts me with the greatest responsibility in life – a tiny human. What a gift.
I’m sure I’ll be keeping all of you updated along this crazy adventure. 🙂