I saw it. I went and saw Batman vs. Superman. I’m not a huge fan of DC movies but I am a fan of superheros and my husband is a DC guy so I went and saw the movie. And you know what? It wasn’t half bad. I don’t think the movie deserves the harsh criticism it’s receiving. (Also can we talk about Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman? FLAWLESS. I’M CRYING. SHE’S AMAZING.)
The thing about superhero movies though… They. Never. Stop. Seriously there are more than 30 superhero movies slated to come out in the next five years. Actually I’ve counted 38 and that’s just the confirmed ones planned before 2020. 38, y’all. Thirty. Eight. I assume the conversation goes something like this: “Hey guys, people like comic book movies.” “Okay. Let’s make people hate comic book movies. Mama always said, when someone’s thirsty, flood their house.” (see also – “If someone needs a light, burn their house down”)
I just… I’m a big nerd. And I love superheroes. And I can’t say I’m not excited for some of these movies? But good Lord. In the works are two more Spider-Man movies. Because the trilogy, the two reboot films, and his appearance in the new Avengers movies isn’t enough.
I would like to say that I have been pleasantly surprised at the quality of destined to fail movies like Ant-Man and Batman vs. Superman. I expected trash and got… something like a repurposed barn wood side table shaped like Mickey Mouse (it’s not quite trash but could be, you feel me?)
At least nobody is trying to keep those horrible Ninja Turtle movies going… oh.
That is all.
Okay so being that I am now 36 weeks along, I’m going to share with you my checklist of 357 things pregnant moms need to do before the baby, 892 things to bring with you to the hospital, 63 ways to ensure that your infant will actually love you when you bring him home, 6,359 date night ideas for couples about to have a baby, and 941 foods to avoid while pregnant.
Seriously I have spent way too much time on Pinterest and various mommy blogs, and I feel like all of those could be real lists at this point. As my mother and husband have delicately pointed out to me, I spend too much time on the internet, researching how to be a good mom. And while yes, that is probably true, the real issue is not that I’m worried. I think I have a normal amount of stress right now and I actually feel pretty chill. My issue is that I’m just waiting. I’ve never been good at that.
So, in order to pass some time, I’m going to give you a list of my own – the craziest mommy things I’ve found on the internet.
- Trendy toddlers. Seriously, you know your toddler isn’t fully potty trained yet, right? And that he eats dirt? How did you even get him to keep that scarf on? There is no reason for all this mess.
- Naked (or nearly naked) maternity photo shoots. Woman – WHY are you in that field in your underwear? And you’re wearing a sweater? I get that you have somehow magically avoided stretch marks, and I’m sure that’s amazing, but lady. I know you feel like a beached whale. You’re not fooling anyone.
- Non-traditional labor positions.Are… are you going to have that baby on the toilet? On purpose??
- While I’m at it, photos during labor. – NO. I couldn’t even find a labor picture that I was comfortable having on my blog. Let’s keep private things private, ladies.
- The endless lists prepared by moms to let the rest of us know what we will absolutely need and if we don’t have all of those things in exactly that brand, how we will be failing our children and they will never get accepted into the magnet preschool that guarantees them a brighter future. Oh, and if they don’t get into the magnet preschool, forget college. Colleges don’t accept bums like your kid.
- Hospital bag checklists. I’m sure my husband and my mother are spitting out whatever they’re drinking, because I have a hospital bag checklist. But I make a short checklist anytime I ever pack because if I don’t I forget things. Like my toothbrush. What I’m talking about is a hospital bag checklist with over 50 items. For example: This little gem. You can click on it to see what all this crazy is bringing. I feel like this woman will need her own entourage just to carry these things.
- This – listen if you’re using your breast milk for anything other than feeding your baby, YOU ARE GROSS. I realize that may or may not be an unpopular opinion, and I do not care. Let me also tell you, I am bothered by women who feel the need to nurse, uncovered, in public. Now I am a prude. I always wear an undershirt so that I feel totally covered. I am not okay with unnecessary displays of boob (Sorry, anyone who did not expect me to be this frank, like my grandpa, probably). So why then, does it become okay to expose yourself when there is an infant attached? I don’t want to see that. Yeah, it’s natural. As my mother said, going to the bathroom is natural too, but you don’t see anybody doing that proudly in public. At least not without getting arrested.
- Pregnancy stretches that look anything like this – HAHA.
- Pinterest in general, really. I have found about a billion articles on almost every parenting/pregnancy topic that exists, and so many of them contradict each other. “Baby wearing is the best!” “Don’t wear your baby, THEY’LL DIE.” “101 recipes for cookies to leave out for Santa” “101 reasons why letting your kids believe in Santa is sending them straight to hell.” Just, as a rule, I’ve learned that people, especially women, are insane. Motherhood generally brings out the worst of these traits.
Pray for my poor husband. I’m trying not to be crazy, I really am.
That is all.