It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’ve been raising a toddler, moving, teaching extra classes, etc etc. Bottom line is life is busy. But it always is, right?
I’m in a place now where I’m being challenged in new ways. Life is an incredibly mixed bag right now. Life is good! The new house that we’re renting is perfect. We love it! Life is hard. My job has been… challenging. This year has been the hardest year for me yet. Life is good! Kai and I are doing pretty good! It’s been 10 years since we dated the first time. It makes me all mushy and nostalgic. Life is hard. My dad has been very sick. He was in the hospital for over a week (he’s getting better now). Life is good!
I started a new diet and it’s going okay! I’m finally motivated to get healthy again, after a long time where if I’m honest, I was just too depressed. Life is hard. I started a new diet and it’s going okay. I would much rather binge on Oreos than tangerines but whatever.
This last couple of weeks I really tried to take time to reflect on my life. And what I saw was…. not surprising. Life is always a series of ups and downs. Life is always hard but I am always blessed. I realized that this was really one of the first times that I was responsible for my own circumstances. I chose my job, it’s not just the only one that fell in my lap. Kai and I chose our house. It was one of our only options, but it was our choice nonetheless. Kai and I chose this diet. We chose Asher’s daycare. This life is one that Kai and I have created for ourselves, instead of just doing whatever we had to do to get by.
I realized that through these choices, I still struggled to be happy. I have dealt with varying levels of depression in my life and I so often attributed my emotions to my circumstances. If I could just… get a new job I’d be happy. If I could just… move out of my parent’s house I’d be happy. If Asher was just… in a different daycare I’d be happy. But now I have those things. And happiness is still hard.
I realized that the thing responsible for my happiness is me. I am choosing to be dissatisfied with my very satisfactory life. It’s funny, because this nugget of truth came while I was watching Trolls with Asher for the 42895704836th time. There’s a line where one of the trolls tells another character that “some people just don’t want to be happy”. (P.s. I hate you, Creek, you smug little butthole) I am that person. I have spent my entire life waiting for the next thing to make me happy. In high school, going to college was going to make me happy. In college, finding my husband and starting my life was going to make me happy. When I was engaged, it was marriage. When I was married, it was a better job. When I was in a new job, it was my living situation. I have a contentment problem.
My mom has always told me to “Bloom where you’re planted” which, most of the time, just ticked me off real bad. But as is usually the case with things that tick me off the most, she was right. (if you bring this sentence up to me mom, I’ve got other things to say about it so don’t think you’re getting off easy) This year I planned to change schools because it’s been so hard. I planned to just run away. Get out. But as I was looking at my other options I realized: I never prayed about this. I never once consulted the God who has blessed me with my life to ask what He might want for me. Guess what? It’s not what I want for me. And while at first, that realization made me cry real big girl tears (sorry Fergie), now I am at peace. I have a new peace about my job. I’m not done yet. I haven’t been doing my best here. These kids deserve better from me.
As I look back on my life I realize that every leadership position I have ever had was a case of “if not you, then who?” and that is never more true than it is of the position I’m in now. I may not be the most qualified or talented, but, God help me, I will be the most willing. and I am so much more content now than I have been in a long time.
Part of my issue with happiness is allowing myself to not be the best. I’ve been avoiding so much because I was afraid to fail. I’ve never been one to learn anything the easy way though. Failure is such a quintessential part of my identity. And so is redemption. I’m going to bloom in this place that I have planted myself. I need my child to see that happiness is not only possible, but attainable. I owe it to my family, my students, and to myself.
That is all.